Lunch. Doesn’t matter what restaurant. Here’s what happened:
Having a soup and a sandwich. Waitperson comes by.
“Glass of frack with that?”
“Would you like a glass of frack with your soup?”
“What the–?” I stopped myself just short of using profanity. “I mean… why on Earth would I drink frack?”
“The Harper government has decided that, rather than pass legislation forcing environmentally sound fracking, it’d promote the drinking of frack through a multimillion dollar ad campaign. Here’s your glass of frack, sir.” Hands me a glass of filthy water. “Just a minute.” Produces a lighter, and sets the frack on fire. “Bon appetit.”
“You’re telling me my tax dollars are being spent asking me to drink frack? Unbelievable!”
“Not really. Consider: the Harper government spent tens of millions promoting the Oilsands, its ‘Economic Action Plan,’ and the proposed Keystone pipeline (in the US). Why should it surprise you that its newest ad campaign is about getting you to drink frack? Now drink up, your glass of frack is getting cold.”
“This is preposterous! I’ll see Harper drinking frack on the 6:00pm news first before I so much as touch this frack!”
“Funny you should mention that. There was a spot on the news last night where he did exactly that. Now drink your frack like a good little Canadian.”
I looked at the blue flame sputtering in the glass of frack before me, then at the waitperson. “Oscar Wilde said, ‘I can resist anything except temptation.’ However, I have to tell you truthfully that despite the millions of taxpayer dollars Harper spent to persuade me this frack is tempting, I remain unconvinced.” I gingerly picked up the glass of frack and carefully poured it out on the floor.
“Sir!” exclaimed the waitperson. “You’re getting my nice clean floor dirty!”
“Well, EXC-U-U-U-U-U-S-S-E M-E-E-E-E-E!” I loudly sneered, doing my best Steve Martin impersonation.
I left without finishing my lunch. Suddenly, I wasn’t hungry.