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Walmart, MacDonald’s advise employees to have their children for Christmas Dinner: A Modest Proposal

(Apologies to Jonathon Swift)

Megacorporations Walmart and MacDonald’s have been in the news recently because—despite being extremely profitable—they balk at paying their employees more than the minimum wage.

The corporations have been noted in the past for their creative directives to employees in lieu of paying a living wage. Walmart asked its employees to organize “charity drives” for each other. MacDonald’s has asked employees to take smaller bites while eating to make their meals last longer. Also, it advised employees to get second jobs, and turn their heat down while dressing more warmly to save on utilities bills.

In an apparent bid to outdo their previous attempts to help their employees, Walmart and MacDonald’s have asked their employees to cook and eat their infants for Christmas dinner.

The companies issued the following press release:

“We are not responsible for our employees’ well-being. If our employees choose to be poor, that is their problem. We have tried and tried to offer our best suggestions in order to help our employees as much as possible. Beyond that, the dictates of capitalism are such that, while increasing wages is out of the question, we can at least ensure employees have full stomachs at Christmas. As well, our idea of cooking and eating infants will reduce the financial burden on the former families.”

The gregarious moods of Walmart and MacDonald’s are evidenced by their assistance to employees by giving them a happy Christmas, to wit:

Walmart is now selling “Children Helper,” a cooking aid similar to “Hamburger Helper” which employees can mix with the ground-up cooked children to stretch a meal further.

MacDonald’s offers “Happy Meal Sandwich Helper,” which is conceptually similar except that a base sandwich is for sale for which the employees add the meat filling of their ground, cooked children to complete the sandwich.

Seasonings can be purchased separately.

Walmart and MacDonald’s wish for their employees a very merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho!


About Rolf Auer

I’m this doofus who’s trying to get by as a know-it-all poet. Fighting poverty has long been an abiding interest of mine. Sharing fast, easy, low-cost recipes is but one way of doing that.🙂
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