I spy (with my little eye) Rolf Auer, 24 November 2013

I got caught up in a scandal.

Person: “Could you please explain the sex video of you that is currently making the rounds?”

Me: “I’m glad you asked that. Thank you so much. I’d like to make a number of points about that.

(1) I did not give my consent for the video to be made. In actual fact, it was made without my knowledge via a webcam on my computer which was remotely activated.

(2) The video is a blatant, flagrant violation of my privacy; indeed, it is a violation of my private sex life.

(3) I did nothing which was illegal. It is simply that your prurient interests have been aroused by it, and you are mistakenly angry at me instead of being angry at the people who illegally made the video and who illegally invaded my privacy.

(4) About the actual act itself: I’ve seen research on it, and it’s been estimated that 99 per cent of the population has done it themselves at least one time.

(5) The Bible says “Let ye who are without sin cast the first stone.” It also says “None are without sin.”

(6) Here, I do not mean to imply there is something wrong with being gay; however, I’d like to point out that you act progressively towards the sexual orientation of being gay, yet about this very common sex act, you act as if it is the veritable road to hell. If it is, 99 per cent of the population is coming along with me.

(7) Similar to the previous point: to carry out this act for an extended period of time indicates an addiction to it. About hard drug addiction, you generally appear to be lenient and tolerant. Yet about this act, which so obviously resembles drug addiction, you act like a lynch mob. Could you please explain the reason for your different reactions?

(8) For the record, I have a debilitating mental illness. When following a proper medication regime, I can function normally for the most part. Did it occur to any of you that this, my near-pathological obsession, could be related to my illness? And if so, what does that make you who delight in attacking a disabled person for what is so obviously a manifestation of their disability?

(9) I’m not personally asking for mercy from you; I’m just asking you to think about what you are doing. However, have you given any thought as to what your heartless comments have done to my extended family?

(10) Does it say something about your character that you would devote so much energy toward publicly humiliating me, while leaving to twist in the wind much more important issues such as, for example, installing world peace, or even just putting an end to current wars? Or even properly attending to the needs of Veterans, or seniors, or the disabled, for that matter? I mean, what are you doing exactly, using my private sex life as some sort of failed rationalization for doing nothing with regard to these obviously far more important issues?

Two final remarks: First, I’ve changed. I’ve successfully cured myself of my pathological obsession, and I did this quite a while ago. Second, I’ve tried to publicly atone for what I’ve done wrong (in your eyes) by giving much of my time over to volunteer work in service of improving the public good. Neither of these two facts has been taken into account.

I hope that answers your question.”


About Rolf Auer

I’m this doofus who’s trying to get by as a know-it-all poet. Fighting poverty has long been an abiding interest of mine. Sharing fast, easy, low-cost recipes is but one way of doing that.🙂
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