The Appointed Day arrived. Jesus came to Earth a second time, to herald The Day Of Judgment. Only nobody was listening.
Hmmm, thought Jesus. How do I get mankind to hear to My message?
He booked an appearance on The Gong Show. It was the only way He could get any kind of media exposure without being a politician. (He’d considered youtube and ruled it out. In this day and age, He thought, His message would have to be set to music for it to reach the widest possible audience, and He didn’t think that would be dignified. Not to say that The Gong Show was much better…)
When it was time for Him to make His appearance, He began. “Humans, today you will stand before My Father and be judged…” Offstage, the producers of The Gong Show looked at Him askance. “Get this guy off the air,” they frantically whispered to each other. They called the police. Rather than “gong” Him, they went to dead air.
The police arrived. “Sir,” they said. “Would you come with us, please?”
“What about My message?” asked Jesus.
“Ohhhh, your ‘message.’” the police gave each other knowing looks. “Well, you’ll be able to give your ‘message’ at the station. Now, if you’ll come along, please.”
“Very well,” Jesus patiently replied, and followed them out to their police car.
Jesus and the officers arrived at the station. He looked around. “Where are the television cameras?” He asked. “How am I supposed to give My message to the world without unduly alarming it?”
By way of reply, the senior officer indicated an interview room. “Right this way, sir,” he said.
Jesus entered the room. “Please be seated,” said the officer. He pointed at the camera mounted in one corner. “See? There’s a camera. By the way, do you have a lawyer?”
Jesus took a chair and shook his head. “No.” he said.
“Okay, we’ll get one for you. Wait right here.”
Jesus was silent. He waited. Eventually, the lawyer arrived.
“Who are you?” asked the lawyer.
“I am the Son of God.” replied Jesus.
“Jesus Christ!” said the lawyer. “Yes,” replied Jesus.
Then Jesus said, “How shall we proceed? I don’t mean to rush things. However, Judgment Day is now and My Father will not brook human artifice.”
“Well, Jesus,” said the lawyer, “There’s this thing, you see. The Gong Show is pissed. They’re going to sue your ass.”
Jesus looked mildly perturbed. “What do you recommend?”
Oh, good, thought the lawyer, he’s playing along. He sighed imperceptibly. “Countersue!” he advised.
Jesus paused. “To what end?”
The lawyer continued, “There’s a shitload of money waiting to be won, here!” he said, salivating at the prospect.
“Money?” queried Jesus. “You want Me to delay Judgment Day so that I may obtain gold?”
“Not just you,” said the lawyer. “Us. After all, how am I supposed to be paid?”
Jesus looked at the camera, then at the lawyer. “Is the camera recording this?” he asked.
“Yes,” replied the lawyer. “It’s the law.”
“Very well.” said Jesus, pushing back from the table and standing up. “Please be certain My message is properly relayed. After all,” he said, “I wouldn’t want to repeat myself.”
“Okay,” nonchalantly said the lawyer, who would have agreed to anything at that point, because he was anxious to launch the lawsuit.
Jesus continued, while looking at the camera. “Humans, you have been tried and found wanting. It’s been 2,000 years since last I was here, and still you have not managed to learn how to live in peace. I had hoped for better from you. I only gave you one Commandment: that you love one another. My Father and I fail to see how you could misconstrue this.” He smiled gently. “You shall have a chance to account for yourself. We will hear from each of you individually, and weigh your life. If you have been well-intentioned, you will be rewarded.”
Jesus continued. “You have one Earth day to prepare to meet your Maker.”
Jesus began to radiate light, more and more brightly, until He shone as does the sun. Then He disappeared.
The lawyer frowned, and said to nobody in particular, “What about my money?”